I haven't been on my blog in quite a long while as i've found i've resorted to a diary. in which i question and think about everything in regard to direction and happiness and goals. and snippets of little things ive included. though i thought i would post something on my loves at the moment. i am having such a hard time at home. though a breath of fresh air! finally we are moving. my dad has got his act together for the first time. i can't stand it here. and i guess when you can't stand where you're living and you can't stand your family then you get pretty unhappy. more or less lately i feel like i have no control over any aspects in my life. and my real dilemma has been trying to figure out how to change that. oneday i want to see the world. i want to live overseas sometime. and live the life i would like to live. this year im learning french. i think it would be good to be fluent in something. and it is one of the top three most known languages. and such a beautiful country to be in, where all the artists are.
so, after going off the topic, loves.
im loving blueberries. blueberries! i have never liked them before and suddenly they have a completely different texture and taste, nothing like what they were to me before and i feel like i can't live without them.
im loving avacado, and salmon.
either or. and hating the hundreds of mosquito bites all over me!
lately ive been making a big book of salad recipes in a really nice flip book moleskin.
i find them too expensive for diaries. as i find i am such a fool with what i write. never consistent. in topic or sound of my speech. and my writing is always changing.
i love blogs just as much but don't spend half enough time on the computer to write one. if i did. and was constantly near one i would.i might this year. instead of a diary. propperly write. and delete all my posts from before as mostly i hate them all!!!
lately im loving my music. i recently made 23 cd's for a roadtrip with my friend. though she kept the cd's- sorting through some of my music was long and painful but ended up being fantastic. as i have so many different likes putting them into different catagories, different sounds, like earthy music of john mayer and andrew bird. ive found with so much of my music i like single songs for a period, as even amongst genre's only single songs fit into the feel of things. i guess im really a mixtape girl. music is the best when needing to get away when sitting at home. my neighbourhood has become trendy and is really expensive. but still feels like ghetto town. i hate the hot heat and no shade. bare parks. seeing the other side of things, the kids, the kind of crowd that live around i dislike. i don't like knowing everystreet and being certain to see faces ive already seen. on the stifling 43 degree day. i found a perfect place. sitting under this quiet deserted bridge. cool. but with a strong warm breeze, the wind was amazing.and i was listening to simon garfunkels song. it was a perfect sanctuary. i was in complete bliss. and smiled from ear to ear.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I've noticed how rare conversations can be. that for all the conversations that manifest amongst the people you meet how rare, like a spark or a shimer of gold amongst the fall are the ones that are purely about life itself- about 'meaning'. and these, these realisations are what i live for. you notice, how you can talk with a friend for hours circling around the same repetetive words about the events of the day but feel there is nothing to say, but there is something that always needed to be said, no satifaction in the conversation because it itself, the feeling is not recognisable. this trait or characteristed and you did, you knew without knowing you needed to say it.
I realised the reason of part of why I was bored at school. because the conversations are all merely (fluff), that really in all, mostly they talk about nothing. it is not that the people at school aren't nice, they just aren't, or do not fully objective of their world. they carry along without noticing anything. and truely believe in what they are told. what society tells them they are and who they have to be. but the harder part is we catch a glimpse of these circumstances-these almost coincides, or more; these experiences, these subtle changes of emotion or reaction to experience or even just the experiences themselves that cannot fully be defined or even put to some point of clarification. we are always experiencing yet not always do we become fully realised on the subject.how often our lives, our speech, our worlds revolve around the events that happen and not on life itself. sometimes you catch these glimpses of reality, or these things which we are living for, which in a way i feel is the whole meaning. to find clarification, but also to share these epiphanies as the enjoyment of life seems holds in these clues. in this understanding of experience. it seems there are several types of learned. one, in acemdemics. of knowledge as in facts and figures of the universe. and i use to wish i knew all these things. but at the same time it does not feel like true knowledge. true knowledge is already known just has not been realised. it is the opposite in a sense because it is the knowledge of life, and mostly not written down. discovered then lost in a minute of perfection. i wish i kept a pen and paper with me always. or a tape recorder to record all the things that are said.
there was a moment of connection, of realisation today of what we both know, or more the differences in me to the other kids at school. its not something false or trivial this though, asif i am above any of them but just that i have always been considered different. and i always do. whoever im with. still, mostly never completely safe or comfortable. whitney saw me with the book of disquiet which i now consider my bible. but he said he chose it for the library. and was amazed, but also really not surprised that i'd picked it up and thought it was such an amazing book. he said it was one of his favourites and has read it over and over again. though, i liked to read it more at random as each reflection (ahh! that is the word i have been looking for) is useful. maybe, this, "reflection" is what im looking for, as im trying to describe this almost out of body experience which I find so completely neccessary for living. for without it, it living feels not to be living at all.
it feels that the circumstances of life do not really matter, though i do believe in what aristotle said that there are neccessities in life that you need such as weath to flourish to be happy. these being for example- food and water and shelter. i notice that happiness does not come from this as to be truely happy one must see this as a stage, a play and in doing so enjoy every part of the creation. but that in wealth of experience- of knowledge, but then again things like personal discipline in life as being neccessary for some kind of spiritual evolution is neccessary and therefore material circumstance - as in status in society or just of the kind of being you wish to become, in this, circumstances can represent personal evolution. this reminds me of something i had a conversation about with a friend called fay where i found that self- worth plays such a large part in what kind of circumstances you are in and what kind of person you are. that one can not beiieve they can do it, and therefore everything being based on ones own belief systems. but then again what you (believe) effects everything. and then even what you believe in about yourself isn't really true as all is transient and everchanging and one can be anything if one chooses and puts their mind to it. though this applies more mentally than physically. but i noticed also something significant. that we apply most of any judgement of action or pursuit on what we are capable of. but what i meant was my own personal new worth placed in the virtue of courage. of having courage to be capable. or even have courage to 'become' capable. this i noticed applied with school for instance. in that, I did not see this in school or anything unless i had a real yeaning to become good at it. and in noticing this, that i should have, say with writing in literature practised, though im no good at writing, that i should have chosen to have the courage to be capable. so just in everything i do i find just from this a new light will play on whether i will attempt those challenges or obstacles that are placed or whether i will fall defeated to fear of, or the effort of having to try. mostly this year i found i had given up. rather than becoming completely involved in the life of school and trying i continued, but in my heart my head i gave up. i had no effort to try as it had become stagnant, only to be a jail, as it was not what i wished to be doing in the first place. a downward spiral of wanting the freedom to do what i wanted and follow my heart my dreams. though never being able to be free and therefore, sitting, wasting time in the waiting line.
I realised the reason of part of why I was bored at school. because the conversations are all merely (fluff), that really in all, mostly they talk about nothing. it is not that the people at school aren't nice, they just aren't, or do not fully objective of their world. they carry along without noticing anything. and truely believe in what they are told. what society tells them they are and who they have to be. but the harder part is we catch a glimpse of these circumstances-these almost coincides, or more; these experiences, these subtle changes of emotion or reaction to experience or even just the experiences themselves that cannot fully be defined or even put to some point of clarification. we are always experiencing yet not always do we become fully realised on the subject.how often our lives, our speech, our worlds revolve around the events that happen and not on life itself. sometimes you catch these glimpses of reality, or these things which we are living for, which in a way i feel is the whole meaning. to find clarification, but also to share these epiphanies as the enjoyment of life seems holds in these clues. in this understanding of experience. it seems there are several types of learned. one, in acemdemics. of knowledge as in facts and figures of the universe. and i use to wish i knew all these things. but at the same time it does not feel like true knowledge. true knowledge is already known just has not been realised. it is the opposite in a sense because it is the knowledge of life, and mostly not written down. discovered then lost in a minute of perfection. i wish i kept a pen and paper with me always. or a tape recorder to record all the things that are said.
there was a moment of connection, of realisation today of what we both know, or more the differences in me to the other kids at school. its not something false or trivial this though, asif i am above any of them but just that i have always been considered different. and i always do. whoever im with. still, mostly never completely safe or comfortable. whitney saw me with the book of disquiet which i now consider my bible. but he said he chose it for the library. and was amazed, but also really not surprised that i'd picked it up and thought it was such an amazing book. he said it was one of his favourites and has read it over and over again. though, i liked to read it more at random as each reflection (ahh! that is the word i have been looking for) is useful. maybe, this, "reflection" is what im looking for, as im trying to describe this almost out of body experience which I find so completely neccessary for living. for without it, it living feels not to be living at all.
it feels that the circumstances of life do not really matter, though i do believe in what aristotle said that there are neccessities in life that you need such as weath to flourish to be happy. these being for example- food and water and shelter. i notice that happiness does not come from this as to be truely happy one must see this as a stage, a play and in doing so enjoy every part of the creation. but that in wealth of experience- of knowledge, but then again things like personal discipline in life as being neccessary for some kind of spiritual evolution is neccessary and therefore material circumstance - as in status in society or just of the kind of being you wish to become, in this, circumstances can represent personal evolution. this reminds me of something i had a conversation about with a friend called fay where i found that self- worth plays such a large part in what kind of circumstances you are in and what kind of person you are. that one can not beiieve they can do it, and therefore everything being based on ones own belief systems. but then again what you (believe) effects everything. and then even what you believe in about yourself isn't really true as all is transient and everchanging and one can be anything if one chooses and puts their mind to it. though this applies more mentally than physically. but i noticed also something significant. that we apply most of any judgement of action or pursuit on what we are capable of. but what i meant was my own personal new worth placed in the virtue of courage. of having courage to be capable. or even have courage to 'become' capable. this i noticed applied with school for instance. in that, I did not see this in school or anything unless i had a real yeaning to become good at it. and in noticing this, that i should have, say with writing in literature practised, though im no good at writing, that i should have chosen to have the courage to be capable. so just in everything i do i find just from this a new light will play on whether i will attempt those challenges or obstacles that are placed or whether i will fall defeated to fear of, or the effort of having to try. mostly this year i found i had given up. rather than becoming completely involved in the life of school and trying i continued, but in my heart my head i gave up. i had no effort to try as it had become stagnant, only to be a jail, as it was not what i wished to be doing in the first place. a downward spiral of wanting the freedom to do what i wanted and follow my heart my dreams. though never being able to be free and therefore, sitting, wasting time in the waiting line.
Friday, June 26, 2009
It's strange how happy I've become. I can't explain it. It's like, in realising that i'm living, actually living - everything becomes estacy, suddenly I'm watching dust turn to gold in the light. and i know everything will be okay that somehow it will all turn out right.I'll hold my fate in someone elses hands, and treat triumph and disaster just the same. and I won't be afraid. the world is mine and everything in it.and i know every possibility, every freedom tangible, only a glimpse a fragment away. everytouch, smell taste is mine and it is so amazing. I no longer care to be the fool.
Monday, March 30, 2009
as yarraville has grown even more charming in these past few years, I have become increasingly delighted and proud of my little home town. suddenly we have a collection of little italian resturants and cafes, an organic fruit shop, the sun theatre, tiny bookshops, lingerie stores and old marita's jewelery store. of late I have been spending my time in lovely HausFrau.
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